Monday, August 29, 2011

August 29th

Dear Reader,

I don't even know what to write about anymore. I feel vitriol through my veins, a feeling of despair and hatred left over from that bitter taste. I can't stand it. I want to be able to express myself, and not already hate the ones I talk to. I don't want to feel as if everyone is just a vacuum. I don't even know how to describe it, the words don't come to me anymore. I don't feel energy anymore, flying on fumes of desperation. I have trouble speaking the words I have. I want to tell you it will all be okay, but I can't anymore. I can't see where it is going. This past year and a half has been very hard. When I look back at the accomplishments of graduating, it feels like nothing. It seemed as if my life ended then. I see nothing of interest in my present, and I hide away from this idea. I push through this feeling, but it seems as if that is the only energy I have. I feel too tired to do anything else but to exist. I know I could have so much potential if I could just gather up the strength. My body feels heavy with a burden of anxiety. I feel like I have failed, and yet I haven't even tried. I can't seem to muster the energy I need.

I don't know where my will has gone, my dreams and aspirations have all faded. It's a struggle...I can't find my reason anymore. I don't know where to go from here. When people ask me what I want to do, I cannot give an answer that is specific. I know I want to do something, but...but I don't know what. I do not know what I want to become, I just don't want to be like this. I can't see the purpose to this existence anymore, and yet I want it so much. I want to live, I want to dream again, I want to feel the will to move forward.

I need purpose. Why am I here?

With regards,

Monday, August 8, 2011

The Dead Silence

Bitter we speak,
Begotten with emotion.
Fabricate this touch.