Thursday, October 27, 2011


One day,
Your tears will subside.
I'll stand by your side.
Breathe in the peace.
Time will pass, worry not.
I'll wait until you're ready.
Glory will be ours.
Life is young, love is strong.
Desire will be met.
Live in tranquility,
When chaos comes,
I'll have order waiting in my arms.
Dear Love, forever I'll be yours.
Dear Hate, let us go.
Tranquility will bring us together.

Friday, October 21, 2011

A letter.

Dear Friend,

I know exactly where my thoughts are, and I am stuck in it. I am overcome with lust, and I am not sure how to handle it. I want to release, but I want company. I do not want to just be here by myself, I want to feel love given off by someone else, I want connection. Here I am, in my head wanting you by my side knowing full well you are taken. It bothers me, and I don't know what to do about it. I see other women and I don't want anything to do with them, but I feel as if I must. I don't see any glimmer of love, or even a shade of wanting them, and yet I will still pursue, just so I am not alone for every waking minute. And yet, all I want is you in my arms again. To hold you, for you to hold me. I am stuck...I want you to be happy and have what you desire, I know you don't feel that way for me, so what now? I can't stand forming commitment with anyone else, and I don't want just sex. I want to bring you pleasure, I want to bring you comfort, and security and all other forms of joy. I thought if I had my life together, I would be better off, but this feeling doesn't go away.... I believe that if they do exist, you are my soul mate. I will stand by you through all times, I feel a connection to you that never falters, no matter what emotion it is. Hearing your voice sing always gave me goosebumps and shivers down my spine. I can remember all the good times, and all the bad, and still I stand here waiting. I don't want to be alone....but I am alone when you aren't by my side. I know that I am not perfect, I know that I can be overbearing, I don't want to be...I want to be the man that use to make you feel safe, with nothing to worry about. You always worry, but everything will be okay, even if you aren't hand in hand with me.

With Love,

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

A New Era

Repercussions have come, this isolated feeling. A part of me is gone now, and I see it when I look in the mirror. I can't go back to how things were, and now the desire is even greater. But alas, life continues, mementos of the past linger. With work in hand, I now drive my father's car. It can be unbearable at times, and not sure how to react. I want to put myself out into the world again and reclaim the life I threw away in the past years. I know that papa was proud of me, but it is hard for me to see why. I always felt like I was letting him down, I wasn't applying myself, I was being stupid with how I acted. I couldn't hold a relationship and was already stuck in the past before Thursday happened. I want to be the man he was, a patriarch of many. My father worked hard throughout his life, and I had so many questions for him. I don't exactly know how to go on with my life at this crossroads, I struggle with how to think, how to act. Learning to understand and accept the things that we have no control over. It feels downright impossible. But...I know that he was proud of me, even without understanding why, I accept it, knowing he had his own reasons. I want to honor him by being a man that he could continue to be proud of. He always knew when something was wrong, even if I didn't, and he was always there for me. A great foundation for me and my family.

Today, I still struggle with other parts of my life, not knowing what path I will go down. With a path that I know I want to walk but can't and then there is a path that I despise but is so easy to travel when loneliness overwhelms everything. These two paths go hand in hand in my mind, but there is a third path that never gets attention. This path is the one I walked long ago, a path that lead me to happiness and energy profound. A route to the future that doesn't lead to anger or sorrow, but a path that leads forward to a life I can be proud to call my own. I have been so angry these past few months, and I finally let go of it, although I still feel the pain it caused, and have reminders flutter through my head every waking hour. My dreams are clouded, and lately I daydream. I know where I can go with my life, I know this path could lead there. But as much as I have to accept it, being alone is part of my life, I haven't been seriously attracted to the people I meet in so long, I get no thrills, no attachment, and no emotional connection to them. I know that I have these feelings still, but they are stuck on the path in the past. Sometimes... loneliness overwhelms me, and I want to feel something, and I end up seeking out something that in the end, helps for a few minutes, and then ends up where I left off. BUT NO MORE, I need to find me again, if there is nothing to feel for these people, then I won't bother. At this point, I need to find something I have been missing, my drive. Papa would always ask me, "What do you like to do?"and I couldn't ever give a real answer... I knew what I wanted once, but now...I don't even know where to look. I need help, but don't even know how to get it.

A New Era began this month....and I am scared about what will happen.

Thursday, September 22, 2011


Here we are, side by side.
Press our lips together, smiling with our eyes.
A path of rediscovery we chose to venture.
Here we kiss as our hands explore.
You unzip and unbutton my pants as I do the same.
You grip me gently, becoming firm as you stroke.
Smiling gracefully, as you slowly glide your kisses.
Teasing the tip with licks, as your lips take me in.
Panting with pleasure, your tongue makes me speechless.

Climax approaching, I lift your head and glide my fingers into your pants.
Feeling you squirm with excitement, my fingers become wet as they enter.
Pulling off your pants, I begin to kiss up your legs. Panting as my fingers curl, pressing my tongue against you.
Moans let out, breathes become heavy, you contract in ecstacy.
You pull me up, and kiss me with energy as you slide me in.
The glow in your face, the embrace of your arms pushes me deeper.
Climax reached.
We kiss passionately as we stay one.
I take you in my arms, holding you as we fall asleep.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


Here I rest my head, driving thoughts from the sea. Drive out these delusions, relax the mind. Allow my eyes the slumber they desire. Dream up a life of no boundries, where everything is right. Lets hope for peace... I am tired of  the nightmares 

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

September 20th

I sit to try and write today, just felt like writing so here I am.

I am not sure how I feel anymore, I don't feel lonely to the same extent. I do feel very anti social still, not interested in many things, but I think it is getting better. My thoughts come and go, and usually its not the most pleasant. But I don't feel sad. I feel burdened. I feel like I still have a giant weight being held high above me. I think that I have given myself this burden over the past 3 years. I am still unsure, I still dream of things I know won't happen. I still feel like my life should be elsewhere, but I am trying to comprehend the control of my life. I know that not talking is self-destructive path I cannot keep following. I just am not interested in anyone. People don't catch my eye, or feel worth knowing. It isn't lonely I feel, but more crowded by noise that people create. I see drama everywhere, and I don't want to be a part of such a system of connection. I lack this drive, and I am not sure where to get it. I stifled the calls inside me, I hated the emotions I felt, unable to relieve myself of sorrow and anger wrapped in one. The more I struggled the tighter its grasp took. I wanted out, I wanted to breath on my own again. I know inside I don't want it over, I want to hold on to something that I know keeps me here. I don't know what would happen now, it would mostly fall apart again, and yet despite all that, I never want the chaos to end. I don't want to let go of how greatly I feel for her. It's as if I want to believe in lies I create in my head. I struggle to grasp reality, it thrives on our desperation to want meaning, to want someone by our side. to know we aren't alone. I don't think I can forget her completely, and I think I am okay with that. I just don't want it to hinder me from living my life. I don't want to think about what her life is like, how happy she is or the worse case, how sad she is. I want to let go of my emotions that guide me to not trust her, even though my heart beckons for her side. I don't know how to let go, but I want to for my sake, and her's. I still want to be her's forever, even if I never am.

I don't know what I'd do if this ever mattered. I think this topic is dead, but it is hard for me to not try and breathe life into it.

Monday, August 29, 2011

August 29th

Dear Reader,

I don't even know what to write about anymore. I feel vitriol through my veins, a feeling of despair and hatred left over from that bitter taste. I can't stand it. I want to be able to express myself, and not already hate the ones I talk to. I don't want to feel as if everyone is just a vacuum. I don't even know how to describe it, the words don't come to me anymore. I don't feel energy anymore, flying on fumes of desperation. I have trouble speaking the words I have. I want to tell you it will all be okay, but I can't anymore. I can't see where it is going. This past year and a half has been very hard. When I look back at the accomplishments of graduating, it feels like nothing. It seemed as if my life ended then. I see nothing of interest in my present, and I hide away from this idea. I push through this feeling, but it seems as if that is the only energy I have. I feel too tired to do anything else but to exist. I know I could have so much potential if I could just gather up the strength. My body feels heavy with a burden of anxiety. I feel like I have failed, and yet I haven't even tried. I can't seem to muster the energy I need.

I don't know where my will has gone, my dreams and aspirations have all faded. It's a struggle...I can't find my reason anymore. I don't know where to go from here. When people ask me what I want to do, I cannot give an answer that is specific. I know I want to do something, but...but I don't know what. I do not know what I want to become, I just don't want to be like this. I can't see the purpose to this existence anymore, and yet I want it so much. I want to live, I want to dream again, I want to feel the will to move forward.

I need purpose. Why am I here?

With regards,