Tuesday, October 18, 2011

A New Era

Repercussions have come, this isolated feeling. A part of me is gone now, and I see it when I look in the mirror. I can't go back to how things were, and now the desire is even greater. But alas, life continues, mementos of the past linger. With work in hand, I now drive my father's car. It can be unbearable at times, and not sure how to react. I want to put myself out into the world again and reclaim the life I threw away in the past years. I know that papa was proud of me, but it is hard for me to see why. I always felt like I was letting him down, I wasn't applying myself, I was being stupid with how I acted. I couldn't hold a relationship and was already stuck in the past before Thursday happened. I want to be the man he was, a patriarch of many. My father worked hard throughout his life, and I had so many questions for him. I don't exactly know how to go on with my life at this crossroads, I struggle with how to think, how to act. Learning to understand and accept the things that we have no control over. It feels downright impossible. But...I know that he was proud of me, even without understanding why, I accept it, knowing he had his own reasons. I want to honor him by being a man that he could continue to be proud of. He always knew when something was wrong, even if I didn't, and he was always there for me. A great foundation for me and my family.

Today, I still struggle with other parts of my life, not knowing what path I will go down. With a path that I know I want to walk but can't and then there is a path that I despise but is so easy to travel when loneliness overwhelms everything. These two paths go hand in hand in my mind, but there is a third path that never gets attention. This path is the one I walked long ago, a path that lead me to happiness and energy profound. A route to the future that doesn't lead to anger or sorrow, but a path that leads forward to a life I can be proud to call my own. I have been so angry these past few months, and I finally let go of it, although I still feel the pain it caused, and have reminders flutter through my head every waking hour. My dreams are clouded, and lately I daydream. I know where I can go with my life, I know this path could lead there. But as much as I have to accept it, being alone is part of my life, I haven't been seriously attracted to the people I meet in so long, I get no thrills, no attachment, and no emotional connection to them. I know that I have these feelings still, but they are stuck on the path in the past. Sometimes... loneliness overwhelms me, and I want to feel something, and I end up seeking out something that in the end, helps for a few minutes, and then ends up where I left off. BUT NO MORE, I need to find me again, if there is nothing to feel for these people, then I won't bother. At this point, I need to find something I have been missing, my drive. Papa would always ask me, "What do you like to do?"and I couldn't ever give a real answer... I knew what I wanted once, but now...I don't even know where to look. I need help, but don't even know how to get it.

A New Era began this month....and I am scared about what will happen.

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