Thursday, March 24, 2011

poetry block

I wanna be your love,
I wanna make you smile.
I close my eyes and you are there.

This is kind of sad...I am having writer's block when it comes to poetry. I guess I just don't much to write about at the moment. I want to write, but I can't put it into words...its different. I know this isn't what she wants...I feel this way, but I shouldn't hold her back. She deserves to feel what I feel for her, be it whoever it is. I want her to know that I love her so very much, and always will. I also want her to know that I will move on to my best ability just so she can also feel that way. I will always be here, as a friend or more, as she is someone I will never forget the life that we once shared. We may come back one day, and will take it from there, but who knows, the decision isn't mine to make. I can only ask the question.

One day poetry will come...

Thursday, March 17, 2011


Well this week kinda of sucked for me getting better at programming...started to get a good thing going, and then my laptop screen died because of damn accidental dropping of it >.> So with my computer out of service I haven't really been focusing on programming.

Today I cleaned up the front yard, and cleaned up some of the back as well. I decided last week to clean my room, and since that is pretty much done, I decided to move on to a different room, and threw out an old twin bed and started to clean out the upstairs porch.

Tomorrow I will continue to clean it up, and see if I can get the shit thats laying around to cease to exist. Also think I will continue to work outside if I have the time.

I also was going to start working out again, but haven't gotten that started either.

So yeah, poetry will come when I feel up to it, thought I'd actually have a blog entry for a change.

Life isn't bad, just lonely, figure if I can keep myself moving, I won't have as much time to think about waking up alone and having no plans to be taken. I am not interested in meeting a new girl. I like getting physical too early to actual form a real relationship without fucking things up. Even if I wanted to just get laid, I don't want anyone to feel used so I can just get off. And if I went out of my way and form a relationship with somoene, I cannot deny that I am already in love with someone. Love is complicated, but I would rather dream of someone and wake up alone, then wake up next to someone I feel no love for.

Sigh, I don't want to be alone anymore though....I don't know what I will do, but until then, distractions are needed. One day, I will most likely get lonely enough, and fuck someone just for a release, but I loathe the idea of being with anyone that isn't her.

I guess more distraction is needed, I wish I could get to Japan and help out, but alas I cannot even help myself. Maybe over the summer...who knows if I would come back though.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Apocalyptic Baron

Apocalyptic days behind us,
Nothing but desolate oceans of sand,
Masked Vision hinders movement.
We cannot survive alone.
We grew accustomed to the super markets,
People must survive upon each other.
Feuds form, people strive for power.
Barons of water and food.
The people live their own lives,
Proof of rule, death in battle.
Heroes are rare,
Corruption abundant.
The Apocalypse came,
stories come forth.
This is One Hero's tale,
where the Barons stood in his way.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Wipe Away

Wipe away my existence,
Set yourself free.
All this persecution
Cast away like the sea
No time for remorse
Just smash the pieces
Wipe away my existence
Leave me brittle with wear
Snap away my bones
Tear me asunder
Don't hold back
Bloodletting begins
Wipe away my existence.
Leave me here alone
Leave thoughts of happiness.
And hold only despair
Winter melts away,
waiting for Autumn to untie her hair.
Wipe away my existence
For you are never there.

Sunday, March 6, 2011


To the echoes of my heart's desire,

I can't understand why anyone wants to be alone.

I am alone, and I hate it. I know what I want to have, and I can't. I am tired of being alone. Its heart wrenching knowing that I can't do anything about it. I feel alone in crowds, I feel uneasy in groups, and I utterly feel awkward when talking to someone I don't know. I could get a job, but this wouldn't fix the problem, it just puts me out there on display for the world to see. Those who are interested will come and talk, and those that aren't will move on. But I don't want just people in my life. I want a family, I want to create a home for me. I have my family consisting of my parents and brothers, but that isn't what I mean. I want to have a spouse, and to have children. I understand that money is an issue when you have certain needs from that situation. But at the moment I have no drive for money, it doesn't interest me. I am learning how to program better so that maybe I can make money for when that time comes.

But the present, all I can do is wait...hope that the one I love comes into a situation in which she feels the same. Her life is hard, and she wants nothing of me in it. I have been told to move on numerous times. But how do you do that...its like, it feels impossible when every day you wake up, you wish it was a dream and she was there with you. If you wake up with the same thoughts every morning, and then seeing that thought diminish with the reality you have.

I can't change my thoughts, I can only control my actions, and what I do with my thoughts. But having a constant wanting of something unreachable...I am tired of it. I want something to change. I want her to come back, or I want my thoughts to stop. I feel like Icarus with wax wings...I flew too high, and am waiting for the ground to quash my hopes for good.

I have no hope that it will ever be how I want it, but I desire it none the less. How do I move past this? I can't be stagnant because of a desire, but nothing else interests me. I think my life is perfectly fine outside of that one issue, and yet I feel incapable of even driving that idea from my head.

I want to start my home, my family, and I don't want it with anyone else. I will not settle for someone who isn't you. I don't know what I will one elses touch compares to yours. I don't flutter for anyone but you. I am scared of it disappearing, I don't want to be some shell of a human. and I am scared I lost you for good, the one person that I feel that I understand, and that understands me; I love you, and its even hard to explain what that means. I am not always happy with you, nor am I sad with you, but I feel whole, and content. I feel as if everything is right when you are in my arms.

I can't ask you to feel the same, but I can only dream that one day when things are better for your life, you can look back and feel the same. And if that day ever happens, be at my side, and I will make everything okay. There won't be anything that will topple us, as we will prevail on any challenge there is. There are things you and I alone can't do, but together everything is possible.

Love and Peace,

Wake Up

Wake up,
Put my arm around you,
Kiss you gently until you wake,
You turn your head and smile and kiss me back.
Beaten hearts unite with our lips.
Envelop you in my arms as I glide on top.
Brush your hair with my hand as I kiss your lips.
Slip the covers up,
Feel your body, your curves, as I kiss lower.
Kissing down to your breasts,
teasing your nipples until they are hard.
Kissing lower as my arms spread your legs.
Hearing you moan, my heart flutters.
Taste of a goddess, climaxing into bliss.
Your eyes shine as I return for a kiss.
You grab on tight as I slowly enter.
Gasp for air, breathing each other in.
Our hips gyrate together as we reach for the heavens.
Ecstacy drives us even closer.
Wrapping ourselves in everlasting warmth.
Wake up,
Roll over, and you aren't there.
My head hits the pillow.
Another day for Winter.