To the echoes of my heart's desire,
I can't understand why anyone wants to be alone.
I am alone, and I hate it. I know what I want to have, and I can't. I am tired of being alone. Its heart wrenching knowing that I can't do anything about it. I feel alone in crowds, I feel uneasy in groups, and I utterly feel awkward when talking to someone I don't know. I could get a job, but this wouldn't fix the problem, it just puts me out there on display for the world to see. Those who are interested will come and talk, and those that aren't will move on. But I don't want just people in my life. I want a family, I want to create a home for me. I have my family consisting of my parents and brothers, but that isn't what I mean. I want to have a spouse, and to have children. I understand that money is an issue when you have certain needs from that situation. But at the moment I have no drive for money, it doesn't interest me. I am learning how to program better so that maybe I can make money for when that time comes.
But now...it the present, all I can do is wait...hope that the one I love comes into a situation in which she feels the same. Her life is hard, and she wants nothing of me in it. I have been told to move on numerous times. But how do you do that...its like, it feels impossible when every day you wake up, you wish it was a dream and she was there with you. If you wake up with the same thoughts every morning, and then seeing that thought diminish with the reality you have.
I can't change my thoughts, I can only control my actions, and what I do with my thoughts. But having a constant wanting of something unreachable...I am tired of it. I want something to change. I want her to come back, or I want my thoughts to stop. I feel like Icarus with wax wings...I flew too high, and am waiting for the ground to quash my hopes for good.
I have no hope that it will ever be how I want it, but I desire it none the less. How do I move past this? I can't be stagnant because of a desire, but nothing else interests me. I think my life is perfectly fine outside of that one issue, and yet I feel incapable of even driving that idea from my head.
I want to start my home, my family, and I don't want it with anyone else. I will not settle for someone who isn't you. I don't know what I will do...no one elses touch compares to yours. I don't flutter for anyone but you. I am scared of it disappearing, I don't want to be some shell of a human. and I am scared I lost you for good, the one person that I feel that I understand, and that understands me; I love you, and its even hard to explain what that means. I am not always happy with you, nor am I sad with you, but I feel whole, and content. I feel as if everything is right when you are in my arms.
I can't ask you to feel the same, but I can only dream that one day when things are better for your life, you can look back and feel the same. And if that day ever happens, be at my side, and I will make everything okay. There won't be anything that will topple us, as we will prevail on any challenge there is. There are things you and I alone can't do, but together everything is possible.
Love and Peace,