Your tears will subside.
I'll stand by your side.
Breathe in the peace.
Time will pass, worry not.
I'll wait until you're ready.
Glory will be ours.
Life is young, love is strong.
Desire will be met.
Live in tranquility,
When chaos comes,
I'll have order waiting in my arms.
Dear Love, forever I'll be yours.
Dear Hate, let us go.
Tranquility will bring us together.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
I know exactly where my thoughts are, and I am stuck in it. I am overcome with lust, and I am not sure how to handle it. I want to release, but I want company. I do not want to just be here by myself, I want to feel love given off by someone else, I want connection. Here I am, in my head wanting you by my side knowing full well you are taken. It bothers me, and I don't know what to do about it. I see other women and I don't want anything to do with them, but I feel as if I must. I don't see any glimmer of love, or even a shade of wanting them, and yet I will still pursue, just so I am not alone for every waking minute. And yet, all I want is you in my arms again. To hold you, for you to hold me. I am stuck...I want you to be happy and have what you desire, I know you don't feel that way for me, so what now? I can't stand forming commitment with anyone else, and I don't want just sex. I want to bring you pleasure, I want to bring you comfort, and security and all other forms of joy. I thought if I had my life together, I would be better off, but this feeling doesn't go away.... I believe that if they do exist, you are my soul mate. I will stand by you through all times, I feel a connection to you that never falters, no matter what emotion it is. Hearing your voice sing always gave me goosebumps and shivers down my spine. I can remember all the good times, and all the bad, and still I stand here waiting. I don't want to be alone....but I am alone when you aren't by my side. I know that I am not perfect, I know that I can be overbearing, I don't want to be...I want to be the man that use to make you feel safe, with nothing to worry about. You always worry, but everything will be okay, even if you aren't hand in hand with me.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Today, I still struggle with other parts of my life, not knowing what path I will go down. With a path that I know I want to walk but can't and then there is a path that I despise but is so easy to travel when loneliness overwhelms everything. These two paths go hand in hand in my mind, but there is a third path that never gets attention. This path is the one I walked long ago, a path that lead me to happiness and energy profound. A route to the future that doesn't lead to anger or sorrow, but a path that leads forward to a life I can be proud to call my own. I have been so angry these past few months, and I finally let go of it, although I still feel the pain it caused, and have reminders flutter through my head every waking hour. My dreams are clouded, and lately I daydream. I know where I can go with my life, I know this path could lead there. But as much as I have to accept it, being alone is part of my life, I haven't been seriously attracted to the people I meet in so long, I get no thrills, no attachment, and no emotional connection to them. I know that I have these feelings still, but they are stuck on the path in the past. Sometimes... loneliness overwhelms me, and I want to feel something, and I end up seeking out something that in the end, helps for a few minutes, and then ends up where I left off. BUT NO MORE, I need to find me again, if there is nothing to feel for these people, then I won't bother. At this point, I need to find something I have been missing, my drive. Papa would always ask me, "What do you like to do?"and I couldn't ever give a real answer... I knew what I wanted once, but now...I don't even know where to look. I need help, but don't even know how to get it.
A New Era began this month....and I am scared about what will happen.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Here we are, side by side.
Press our lips together, smiling with our eyes.
A path of rediscovery we chose to venture.
Here we kiss as our hands explore.
You unzip and unbutton my pants as I do the same.
You grip me gently, becoming firm as you stroke.
Smiling gracefully, as you slowly glide your kisses.
Teasing the tip with licks, as your lips take me in.
Panting with pleasure, your tongue makes me speechless.
Climax approaching, I lift your head and glide my fingers into your pants.
Feeling you squirm with excitement, my fingers become wet as they enter.
Pulling off your pants, I begin to kiss up your legs. Panting as my fingers curl, pressing my tongue against you.
Moans let out, breathes become heavy, you contract in ecstacy.
You pull me up, and kiss me with energy as you slide me in.
The glow in your face, the embrace of your arms pushes me deeper.
We kiss passionately as we stay one.
I take you in my arms, holding you as we fall asleep.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
I am not sure how I feel anymore, I don't feel lonely to the same extent. I do feel very anti social still, not interested in many things, but I think it is getting better. My thoughts come and go, and usually its not the most pleasant. But I don't feel sad. I feel burdened. I feel like I still have a giant weight being held high above me. I think that I have given myself this burden over the past 3 years. I am still unsure, I still dream of things I know won't happen. I still feel like my life should be elsewhere, but I am trying to comprehend the control of my life. I know that not talking is self-destructive path I cannot keep following. I just am not interested in anyone. People don't catch my eye, or feel worth knowing. It isn't lonely I feel, but more crowded by noise that people create. I see drama everywhere, and I don't want to be a part of such a system of connection. I lack this drive, and I am not sure where to get it. I stifled the calls inside me, I hated the emotions I felt, unable to relieve myself of sorrow and anger wrapped in one. The more I struggled the tighter its grasp took. I wanted out, I wanted to breath on my own again. I know inside I don't want it over, I want to hold on to something that I know keeps me here. I don't know what would happen now, it would mostly fall apart again, and yet despite all that, I never want the chaos to end. I don't want to let go of how greatly I feel for her. It's as if I want to believe in lies I create in my head. I struggle to grasp reality, it thrives on our desperation to want meaning, to want someone by our side. to know we aren't alone. I don't think I can forget her completely, and I think I am okay with that. I just don't want it to hinder me from living my life. I don't want to think about what her life is like, how happy she is or the worse case, how sad she is. I want to let go of my emotions that guide me to not trust her, even though my heart beckons for her side. I don't know how to let go, but I want to for my sake, and her's. I still want to be her's forever, even if I never am.
I don't know what I'd do if this ever mattered. I think this topic is dead, but it is hard for me to not try and breathe life into it.
Monday, August 29, 2011
I don't even know what to write about anymore. I feel vitriol through my veins, a feeling of despair and hatred left over from that bitter taste. I can't stand it. I want to be able to express myself, and not already hate the ones I talk to. I don't want to feel as if everyone is just a vacuum. I don't even know how to describe it, the words don't come to me anymore. I don't feel energy anymore, flying on fumes of desperation. I have trouble speaking the words I have. I want to tell you it will all be okay, but I can't anymore. I can't see where it is going. This past year and a half has been very hard. When I look back at the accomplishments of graduating, it feels like nothing. It seemed as if my life ended then. I see nothing of interest in my present, and I hide away from this idea. I push through this feeling, but it seems as if that is the only energy I have. I feel too tired to do anything else but to exist. I know I could have so much potential if I could just gather up the strength. My body feels heavy with a burden of anxiety. I feel like I have failed, and yet I haven't even tried. I can't seem to muster the energy I need.
I don't know where my will has gone, my dreams and aspirations have all faded. It's a struggle...I can't find my reason anymore. I don't know where to go from here. When people ask me what I want to do, I cannot give an answer that is specific. I know I want to do something, but...but I don't know what. I do not know what I want to become, I just don't want to be like this. I can't see the purpose to this existence anymore, and yet I want it so much. I want to live, I want to dream again, I want to feel the will to move forward.
I need purpose. Why am I here?
Monday, August 8, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Smoke resonates within all crevices.
A heart beats, as it boils in blisters.
Death streaks across the windowsill.
Engulfed in ember, spitting fumes.
Asphyxiate into darkness.
Bare it alone I shall.
This punishment lays the floor we walk upon.
Fallen onto tinder.
Flash burn in front of my eyes.
This carbon ash is all what remains.
Temper pulses within.
Burn me alive,
I don't care.
Punish me until you are satisfied.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
We pay a price with life. We know one day the toll must be paid. He waits, he lingers in wait. It times end, questions will be asked. Were you happy? Were you sad? What did you regret? Would you go back?
These questions aren't for him to know, but for you to look back. Your toll is to realize, life becomes worry. Keep it simple, love and keep them close. Don't over complicate it. Be you, remember what you loved to do as a kid. Go out and play. We don't need technology, leave the phone at home. Time isn't wasted...walk don't drive. Enjoy the peace, go dance in the breeze.
Death will come, do not worry, live while you can. Don't linger on the defined. Don't stop and ask why. Enjoy the smiles when you have them.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
Water drips, rippling into waves.
Echos trapped with radiance in my heart. Venom seeps through my skin. Oxygen depletes as I gasp. Clouded judgement, blinded by asphyxiation. Strive for the antidote. Falter to the ground. Coagulated blood pools to the skin. Flushed, death awakens me.
Friday, June 3, 2011
There once was a boy, who saw something good. One day this boy started to feel outcasted. He heard echos of laughter, and he crawled into a cage. The doctors thought of drugs, but all that did was make the world apathetic. One day he grew older. He wanted control again, he didn't want the world to be dead. His emotions barren in his mind, nothing in control. He froze, he couldn't open the cage, his soul ripped from him, he laid empty. Nothing guiding him, he wandered lost. Never to be found again.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Don't you fret little one, it will be okay. Love is always here for you. Don't let your heart sink, just carry on. Little girl, life is just beginning, stopping isn't needed. Continue on, I won't leave your side. Tough times will come, but you can always look to me. My dear, your time will come. Just let it be, and you will see. Don't you worry little one, this is just the first day.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Ravel the plot, begin the journey.
Question the characters.
Bring answers with turmoil.
Thicken the intensity.
Enter stage right,
A shadowy figure appears.
The protagonist in silhouette.
The antagonist pulls the curtain.
Wander through pages,
Calibrate the chapters.
Climax with a surprise.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I feel like I am crumbling again. I...I want to breathe easy. I want to cry. I'm scared I can't do this alone. I feel as if I am on a cliff, looking down and seeing the rocks burst with furious waves that will kill me if I fell. I am losing my balance, and I want to reach for a hand thats been retracted.
I went for a brief drive today...and I felt so empty. Why can't I release this feeling? I want to cry in your arms...I just want to cry in your arms. I don't want you to cry, I don't want you to be worried. I just want your shoulder, I just want your ear.
I hate that I can't let go, I hate that I can't just leave you alone. I want to hold back these tears...these emotions scare me. I want to feel something that isn't sorrow.
Fuck...I need to breathe...my hands are shaking...why can't I handle this...this isn't complicated, and yet I lose my breath every time. I'm terribly sorry, I'm truely sorry I can't do this. I don't know why I feel like death, I want to live, I want to get a job, and I want to prove to myself I am worthy of a life of happiness.
This voice is lost in echoes, thoughts race constantly, feeling myself scream. I am Villiam, lost in the mind of wander. Will this epoch ever come to a close? Will you be there when it does?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Break the locks and flee.
Corruption instilled in flames
No purity to be gained.
Boil away this blood,
No exit in sight,
Run away from agony,
Weep until dried out.
Panic resonates with questions.
Answers not in sight,
Run away from this life.
Disappear into the unknown.
Solitude expands beyond this keep.
Escape, shatter these walls.
Fall into the crowd
Breathe in the company.
Go with the flow,
No return is necessary
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Carry these words until the end.
Step away, take a breath.
Don’t jump, not yet…
You have so much to live for.
Your beauty transcends this world,
Messianic words flutter from your lips.
You could rule with an iron fist,
Yet gentle to every touch.
Don’t jump, wait…just wait.
Don’t jump, you aren’t the same.
Remember your glory,
Let this bridge have its day
The rhythm of lights, tranquility
Shine with life, don’t jump.
You will see me someday.
Live, live, live for our memories.
I’ll wait everyday
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
As your thoughts scroll as lyrics.
Vividly seeking for the truth.
Sucked in by chaos, trampled with noise.
Gasp for air, breathe in your fears.
I stand resolved, faced with delusions.
Encompass me, deaf to fallacies.
Dive deep into desire, fade into black depth.
I hold my breath, suffocating under your density.
Thrive beyond all glory, suffer from disparity.
Peer into my mind.
Entranced by hollow echoes.
Follow my steps into oblivion.
A cage stands empty in sight.
Behold my sanctuary,
Monday, April 11, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
It isn't the ones who love you, but who you love that matters. I don't want to love her, I want her to disappear from my mind, as she already has done physically. Why bother holding on to someone who doesn't want you.
I want to forget who you are...
I want to forget you exist...
I want to forget the love I have for you.
I want to give up on you.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I wanna make you smile.
I close my eyes and you are there.
This is kind of sad...I am having writer's block when it comes to poetry. I guess I just don't much to write about at the moment. I want to write, but I can't put it into words...its different. I know this isn't what she wants...I feel this way, but I shouldn't hold her back. She deserves to feel what I feel for her, be it whoever it is. I want her to know that I love her so very much, and always will. I also want her to know that I will move on to my best ability just so she can also feel that way. I will always be here, as a friend or more, as she is someone I will never forget the life that we once shared. We may come back one day, and will take it from there, but who knows, the decision isn't mine to make. I can only ask the question.
One day poetry will come...
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Today I cleaned up the front yard, and cleaned up some of the back as well. I decided last week to clean my room, and since that is pretty much done, I decided to move on to a different room, and threw out an old twin bed and started to clean out the upstairs porch.
Tomorrow I will continue to clean it up, and see if I can get the shit thats laying around to cease to exist. Also think I will continue to work outside if I have the time.
I also was going to start working out again, but haven't gotten that started either.
So yeah, poetry will come when I feel up to it, thought I'd actually have a blog entry for a change.
Life isn't bad, just lonely, figure if I can keep myself moving, I won't have as much time to think about waking up alone and having no plans to be taken. I am not interested in meeting a new girl. I like getting physical too early to actual form a real relationship without fucking things up. Even if I wanted to just get laid, I don't want anyone to feel used so I can just get off. And if I went out of my way and form a relationship with somoene, I cannot deny that I am already in love with someone. Love is complicated, but I would rather dream of someone and wake up alone, then wake up next to someone I feel no love for.
Sigh, I don't want to be alone anymore though....I don't know what I will do, but until then, distractions are needed. One day, I will most likely get lonely enough, and fuck someone just for a release, but I loathe the idea of being with anyone that isn't her.
I guess more distraction is needed, I wish I could get to Japan and help out, but alas I cannot even help myself. Maybe over the summer...who knows if I would come back though.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Nothing but desolate oceans of sand,
Masked Vision hinders movement.
We cannot survive alone.
We grew accustomed to the super markets,
People must survive upon each other.
Feuds form, people strive for power.
Barons of water and food.
The people live their own lives,
Proof of rule, death in battle.
Heroes are rare,
The Apocalypse came,
stories come forth.
This is One Hero's tale,
where the Barons stood in his way.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Set yourself free.
All this persecution
Cast away like the sea
No time for remorse
Just smash the pieces
Wipe away my existence
Leave me brittle with wear
Snap away my bones
Tear me asunder
Don't hold back
Wipe away my existence.
Leave me here alone
Leave thoughts of happiness.
And hold only despair
Winter melts away,
waiting for Autumn to untie her hair.
Wipe away my existence
For you are never there.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
I can't understand why anyone wants to be alone.
I am alone, and I hate it. I know what I want to have, and I can't. I am tired of being alone. Its heart wrenching knowing that I can't do anything about it. I feel alone in crowds, I feel uneasy in groups, and I utterly feel awkward when talking to someone I don't know. I could get a job, but this wouldn't fix the problem, it just puts me out there on display for the world to see. Those who are interested will come and talk, and those that aren't will move on. But I don't want just people in my life. I want a family, I want to create a home for me. I have my family consisting of my parents and brothers, but that isn't what I mean. I want to have a spouse, and to have children. I understand that money is an issue when you have certain needs from that situation. But at the moment I have no drive for money, it doesn't interest me. I am learning how to program better so that maybe I can make money for when that time comes.
But now...it the present, all I can do is wait...hope that the one I love comes into a situation in which she feels the same. Her life is hard, and she wants nothing of me in it. I have been told to move on numerous times. But how do you do that...its like, it feels impossible when every day you wake up, you wish it was a dream and she was there with you. If you wake up with the same thoughts every morning, and then seeing that thought diminish with the reality you have.
I can't change my thoughts, I can only control my actions, and what I do with my thoughts. But having a constant wanting of something unreachable...I am tired of it. I want something to change. I want her to come back, or I want my thoughts to stop. I feel like Icarus with wax wings...I flew too high, and am waiting for the ground to quash my hopes for good.
I have no hope that it will ever be how I want it, but I desire it none the less. How do I move past this? I can't be stagnant because of a desire, but nothing else interests me. I think my life is perfectly fine outside of that one issue, and yet I feel incapable of even driving that idea from my head.
I want to start my home, my family, and I don't want it with anyone else. I will not settle for someone who isn't you. I don't know what I will do...no one elses touch compares to yours. I don't flutter for anyone but you. I am scared of it disappearing, I don't want to be some shell of a human. and I am scared I lost you for good, the one person that I feel that I understand, and that understands me; I love you, and its even hard to explain what that means. I am not always happy with you, nor am I sad with you, but I feel whole, and content. I feel as if everything is right when you are in my arms.
I can't ask you to feel the same, but I can only dream that one day when things are better for your life, you can look back and feel the same. And if that day ever happens, be at my side, and I will make everything okay. There won't be anything that will topple us, as we will prevail on any challenge there is. There are things you and I alone can't do, but together everything is possible.
Love and Peace,
Put my arm around you,
Kiss you gently until you wake,
You turn your head and smile and kiss me back.
Beaten hearts unite with our lips.
Envelop you in my arms as I glide on top.
Brush your hair with my hand as I kiss your lips.
Slip the covers up,
Feel your body, your curves, as I kiss lower.
Kissing down to your breasts,
teasing your nipples until they are hard.
Kissing lower as my arms spread your legs.
Hearing you moan, my heart flutters.
Taste of a goddess, climaxing into bliss.
Your eyes shine as I return for a kiss.
You grab on tight as I slowly enter.
Gasp for air, breathing each other in.
Our hips gyrate together as we reach for the heavens.
Ecstacy drives us even closer.
Wrapping ourselves in everlasting warmth.
Roll over, and you aren't there.
My head hits the pillow.
Another day for Winter.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Eye’s heavy, yet mind races. Eyes lighten into awakening.
Lack of sleep, broken hearted. Nothing feels right.
Pain ensures, my heart hollowing out as every second flows
Partitioned in two different lands, One with you, One without
This bridge between us crumbled from pure silence.
The less I have of you, the more painful it becomes.
Hollowed out, my heart frail to the touch.
A deaf ear to my cries, as I fade into agony.
I wake up…you aren’t there. You haven’t been there for months.
I fall asleep; you have been there for ages. I see you every night, and say goodbye every morning.
It’s painful, trying to see where it is going. When the petals fall glistening White…but as they hit the road, they soak to Red.
It is close to hatred…that I shove past…seeing tears are shed. Your petals wilt, soaking… caramelizing in this void. The petals sit, upon the ground…no more roads, just an open door, swinging closed. The bird has flown. Dropping the stem, it falls, it turns to dust.
Time passes, the bird returns, bringing me back my Iris…with luscious white petals, and a healthy stem. The bird begins to sing again…the door now wide open… back into the depths of an empty cage you come…petals and all.
I leave the door open…allowing the bird to come and go, as I adore this Iris…as much as before.
I am in love with the goddess of destruction
How as much torment I feel throughout these days.
I love how I see the agony enthrall
I am going to burn in a balze of ecstacy.
I am thown into abyss, and love every second of her emptieness.
I am fearful of this love...it will be the end of me.
But I love this destruction...
The warmth in my heart is fading away
This dark empty space is making its way
Without my warmth its there to stay
Bring back my warmth on this cold day
My heart beats for you
But this distance is slowing the pace
I don’t know how to finish this race
Fallen in agony, reaped away from you
Here I stand unable to move,
Stuck in place,
Burdened by belief,
Withdrawn and enclosed,
I stand solemn,
An empty cage.
A flower sits waiting,
Petals starting to wilt.
A funereal stance,
Waiting for strength,
Gaze upon my glory,
As I stand here solemn
Waiting for another flower.
Dilated eyes, lengthen the exposure.
Sitting still, as time passes by.
Angle up, snap the shot
Fan into existence, color blossoms.
Angle down, under pressure
Refocus, move into position.
Follow through and turn to new.
Take theses negatives, develop into radience.
Jump out of bed, looking for what is said.
Do not run, do not hide. There is nothing I can't provide.
Shallow pools, drowning fools, nothing left aside.
Here we stand, whispering, afraid of echoed screams.
Love in sight, but dark as night.
Unknowing where it is, yet knowing its close.
Search and search and search, I find you.
Break up, *pause* Love struck,*pause* knowing where its all gonna go.
We know the answer, and this cycle.
Everytime we know its not going to be alright, but *pause*
Here We Go Tonight!!!
oh yeah yeah oh (lol those background vocals =P)
here we go tonight.
We're everything tonight.
Just like all those other times,*pause* here we go tonight.
Wake up, *pause* dress up,*pause* kiss one last time.
Here we are, *pause* holding on, *pause* knowing it'll never last.
Jealousy, *pause* sympathy, *pause* all these feelings fill in the residue.
break up, *pause*love struck, *pause*like ever other fight.
But Here we go tonight,
Fuck off, Fuck on, time n' again.
Here we go tonight.
We're everything tonight.
Just like all those other times, here we go tonight.
Ooooo (again background)
Time in time out, *pause* all this love, *pause* and we go without.
Detached, held back, *pause* all we know is physicality.
Pain filled bliss,*pause* heart aching kiss. *pause*
Tears run our eyes, but here we go tonight.
Make love, lifelines flat, beating the corpse.
But Here we go tonight
not the final night
here we go tonight
not our final fight
Here we go tonight
here we go tonight
Here we go tonight.