September 20th

I sit to try and write today, just felt like writing so here I am.

I am not sure how I feel anymore, I don't feel lonely to the same extent. I do feel very anti social still, not interested in many things, but I think it is getting better. My thoughts come and go, and usually its not the most pleasant. But I don't feel sad. I feel burdened. I feel like I still have a giant weight being held high above me. I think that I have given myself this burden over the past 3 years. I am still unsure, I still dream of things I know won't happen. I still feel like my life should be elsewhere, but I am trying to comprehend the control of my life. I know that not talking is self-destructive path I cannot keep following. I just am not interested in anyone. People don't catch my eye, or feel worth knowing. It isn't lonely I feel, but more crowded by noise that people create. I see drama everywhere, and I don't want to be a part of such a system of connection. I lack this drive, and I am not sure where to get it. I stifled the calls inside me, I hated the emotions I felt, unable to relieve myself of sorrow and anger wrapped in one. The more I struggled the tighter its grasp took. I wanted out, I wanted to breath on my own again. I know inside I don't want it over, I want to hold on to something that I know keeps me here. I don't know what would happen now, it would mostly fall apart again, and yet despite all that, I never want the chaos to end. I don't want to let go of how greatly I feel for her. It's as if I want to believe in lies I create in my head. I struggle to grasp reality, it thrives on our desperation to want meaning, to want someone by our side. to know we aren't alone. I don't think I can forget her completely, and I think I am okay with that. I just don't want it to hinder me from living my life. I don't want to think about what her life is like, how happy she is or the worse case, how sad she is. I want to let go of my emotions that guide me to not trust her, even though my heart beckons for her side. I don't know how to let go, but I want to for my sake, and her's. I still want to be her's forever, even if I never am.

I don't know what I'd do if this ever mattered. I think this topic is dead, but it is hard for me to not try and breathe life into it.