Friday, April 1, 2011


Sometimes I wish our minds were more like computers, and that we could delete things from our memory. I don't really know how to remove persistent thoughts. But I guess if I cannot actually remove those memories, I can at least not access it. I am tired of it...I am bored of it...I want some thoughts that resemble my life as it is now. I am better than this, I can do better than her...especially since she is nonexistent. I want to scream, I want to yell, and I want to say hurtful things about her. And yet, the one thing I want to do more, is I want her to cease to exist in my memory banks. I don't want to think of her, I don't want to recognize her if I saw her. I don't want her roaming in my dreams and I don't want to care about her at all. I hate the things she has done, and the person I love is a fallacy, she doesn't exist anymore. I remember her so well, and I remember seeing her fade away with time. I remember this fit girl, who was random and always fun, she thought of me very little, I was usualyl on the back burner when we were friends. And then we dated, and it was wonderful for the first 3 months. and thats when it should have ended. I loved that person very much, and I wanted to marry her, even though she kept asking me, I thought it was too early for that. I did ask her later on (probably a bad idea with the knowledge gained over time, but I suppose thats what happens when you are in love). But now, thats all gone, still locked in my head unable to escape. I WANT IT GONE. I dislike who she became, and dislike the fact that I still want to surround myself with someone who only looks like the shell of the person they once were. I dream about her while I am awake, and sadly...I wish it was reality still. I am done...I want to be done...she is no longer fit, she no longer writes, and she just wants to be left alone. I see no life in my thoughts, or with her. And yet, I can't turn away...I would do anything for her if she asked.

It isn't the ones who love you, but who you love that matters. I don't want to love her, I want her to disappear from my mind, as she already has done physically. Why bother holding on to someone who doesn't want you.

I want to forget who you are...
I want to forget you exist...
I want to forget the love I have for you.
I want to give up on you.

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